Just found out my ‘crush’ has a girlfriend. I say ‘crush’ but I don’t bother having crushes anymore, it’s not like anyone will ever like me back.
I just don’t want to be alone anymore. But I know I always will be. Even if by some miracle someone does like me back, I’m never able to be open with people. I just push everyone away. It’s my own fault that I’m alone.
I want to be alone, because it’s safer and easier, but at the same time I’m so soul-crushingly lonely.
I don’t mean to be ungrateful, but all I see on the internet and on tv and in films is people living in massive houses wearing designer clothes and driving expensive cars. It makes me depressed and angry that I don’t have as much as they do, which I know is ridiculous because really I’m so lucky to have what I have.
My mum just said that my brothers girlfriend cried because they wouldn’t be seeing each other for a week. How depressing. No one would cry if they weren’t going to see me for a week. In fact no one (apart from the three members of my family) have seen me in over a month!
I have no one to miss me, no one to care that I even exist. I just have no one.
And when she tells me shit like this I have to giggle and be like ‘aww how cute’ when really it makes me want to cry and go kill myself.
The only time I’m ever happy, is when I’m daydreaming that I’m someone else.
Well, in half an hour I turn 20. Shit.
I don’t feel like I’m 20. I definitely don’t look it but there’s nothing I can do about that. I don’t feel it at all, and I don’t think other people feel like I am. I’m so incapable of anything. I can’t talk to people, at all. I have to ask my mum to order my meal when we eat out! I have no friends and I practically never leave the house. What am I doing with my life? And I’m just so incapable of handling situations. I always cry or have to go cut myself whenever I feel bad.
I just, yeah. I’m so embarrassed to be as incapable as I am.
Plus I hate my birthday. Everyone makes it out to be a special day but it’s always such an embarrassing disappointment. Just sat at home with my family, as always. And I feel bad because they really do try to make it special and make me happy but I’m just not. It just makes me feel even more lonely than I normally am, just seeing how little people care about me, and having everyone else see it too.
This is probably the stupidest things to be upset/worried about but…
So last Christmas I participated in holiday_wishes on LJ, where you send and recieve gifts and cards from people on LJ. This girl sent me one of the best, kindest, well thought-out gifts ever. But I didn’t know what to send her back so I kinda kept putting it off, and off and off and off. So anyway, I sent her a message on LJ a few weeks ago saying I still remember I owe her a present and that I’ll send it soon and that I’m very very sorry. But today I just saw she deleted her LJ, and her tumblr, and her twitter. And she never replied to my message.
Basically I’m upset because I feel like I let her down. I don’t want her to be angry, disappointed or upset with me. I still have her address so maybe I could send something, but I have no idea what to send her. And I don’t have much money so I don’t want to waste my money if she won’t receive it.
Yeah, so that’s a really stupid thing to get upset about but I just feel like I disappointed her. And also the fact that she never replied to my message must mean she was annoyed with me.
Blah blah blah that’s so stupid, I’m such an idiot.
No one would notice if I just disappeared. They honestly wouldn’t.
I swear every one else in the fucking world is in a relationship but me.
I really hope people don’t misread my shyness as rudeness. Even I can feel myself being rude and standoffish, but there’s nothing I can do to change it, I don’t mean to be.