Just found out my ‘crush’ has a girlfriend. I say ‘crush’ but I don’t bother having crushes anymore, it’s not like anyone will ever like me back.

I just don’t want to be alone anymore. But I know I always will be. Even if by some miracle someone does like me back, I’m never able to be open with people. I just push everyone away. It’s my own fault that I’m alone.

I want to be alone, because it’s safer and easier, but at the same time I’m so soul-crushingly lonely. 

Blegh, I hate feeling that every single person who sees me is judging me. 

I’m wasting my life. 

“I was so lonely that I was practically nonexistent. I wished I wasn’t. I wished my personality was one that made people gravitate toward me. I wished I knew what to say to people. I wished I knew how to just fit right in. I wished I could just be comfortable in social settings and be able to go after everything and anything I wanted.” —

Well, in half an hour I turn 20. Shit.

I don’t feel like I’m 20. I definitely don’t look it but there’s nothing I can do about that. I don’t feel it at all, and I don’t think other people feel like I am. I’m so incapable of anything. I can’t talk to people, at all. I have to ask my mum to order my meal when we eat out! I have no friends and I practically never leave the house. What am I doing with my life? And I’m just so incapable of handling situations. I always cry or have to go cut myself whenever I feel bad.

I just, yeah. I’m so embarrassed to be as incapable as I am.

Plus I hate my birthday. Everyone makes it out to be a special day but it’s always such an embarrassing disappointment. Just sat at home with my family, as always. And I feel bad because they really do try to make it special and make me happy but I’m just not. It just makes me feel even more lonely than I normally am, just seeing how little people care about me, and having everyone else see it too. 

true story.

I really hope people don’t misread my shyness as rudeness. Even I can feel myself being rude and standoffish, but there’s nothing I can do to change it, I don’t mean to be.